100 Days

It has been 100 days since Nanny died on Memorial Day.

Everyday has felt unremarkable since she left. I’ve been viewing the world through grayscale. Birthdays have passed, good things have happened and still, I feel…numb. Ethan also feels occasional sadness. He told me the other day, “I am still worried about Nanny because she died. I thought about her today at school, but I just kept doing my work.” I asked him if he cried; he assured me that he did not. But he did said say that he felt it “in here” (pointing to his forehead).

We talk about her daily, discussing what she would’ve liked or thought about certain things. He picked up a cantaloupe in the produce section the other day and asked if I wanted to buy it. I don’t like cantaloupe, but I made sure to tell him that Nanny used to eat it for breakfast. I am doing my best to keep her memory alive with him.

My beliefs regarding death, reincarnation, the afterlife, etc. are a complex web of intuitive realizations. I feel she is with us, all around us, and yet very far away. I miss her terribly but do not wish for her to return. I know that is not how this works.

There are coincidences throughout the day that bring me comfort from time to time: a cardinal resting on my window sill, a familiar smell, an old photo, conversation in my dreams. I have one voicemail saved on my phone that I listen to several times a week. Tears are always resting on the edges of my lids. They fall when I drive to work in the mornings, in restroom stalls and on my lunch breaks.

My heart still aches.

I am not who I once was.

2 thoughts on “100 Days

  1. You expressed that so well. Thank you. I too have my moments and times of the day that I feel her so strongly. Sometimes it hurts too badly to talk about. At other times I laugh when I think about some of the things she use to do and say. I hope that I leave a lasting impression on others, just like her.


  2. I also feel this way about my granny but I just remember to be happy and smile about all the good times we had. Since I don’t her to call for help anymore I push myself further into my ambitions and I’m determined to complete them. My grandad has been gone for about 17yrs now and this feeling for him never goes away. I do my best to tap into his business savy way even though he never directly taught me but I do remember watching. So with that said once again your message hit home! I love you Toya 🖤 your words are comforting.


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